You tend to hear a lot of people discussing their childhood as “Well, I was brought up Christian.” Or Catholic. Or some other denomination of religion. My parents weren’t overtly religious people. We didn’t go to church, thankfully. Instead, I was brought up pessimistic. I was told, and still am told often, that I might as well not dream because I will never get that because I’m not good enough, yada yada yada. to quote Robin Williams “Life is shit, learn this now!”
Now, I’ve beaten that back to an extent. I have two terms, including the current, left of classes until I will have my BA in Professional Writing, something my mother and father droned into my skull was simply was not possible. Too stupid. Too poor. No drive. Thanks guys. Anyway, I’ve been doing pretty good with the whole “Bright side” deal. Most of my “doors” in life are still pretty well open, thanks to working my ass off and being stubborn as hell. I could be a public librarian, and editor, a literary agent, ghost writer, journalist, and a few others I probably haven’t yet thought of. Point being, I have options, and I am considering them instead of listening to my inner-retard go “STUPID! YOU WILL NEVER GET THERE! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS AND BACK ON PLANET EARTH WHERE YOU HAVE FUCKED UP ONCE AGAIN, OH BRILLIANT ONE” Despite its volume, consistent writing, support by loved ones aka really good fucking friends whom I owe my livelihood to, have helped me get this better perspective. I thought I had won.
Ha. Ha.
As I am set to graduate in the impending future (of doom!) I am looking to apply for graduate school to get my Masters in Library Sciences, which would allow me to work as a college librarian or research library, etc. It would give me more opportunities in a field of work which I thoroughly enjoy, and is in dire need of new blood to meet the technology boom. So I talked to my advisor Dr. Frank Mabee about it today before I accompanied on his class which I am the writing associate for this term.
His thoughts? I’m not looking at it big enough. His exact words were “You are too intelligent a person to be dreaming so small.” I was looking to just apply for the University of Southern Connecticut and do their Distance Learning program, which would basically mean I do all my courses online. Thus saving me the hassle of moving, since I have no vehicle and no means of getting one anytime soon, and finding another job. He wants me to apply for schools ACROSS THE COUNTRY. Because apparently I am one smart cookie, so to speak.
I can’t even fathom it. Just leave? What would my boyfriend say? What about my roommate? And my cat? How the hell would I move it all? And find housing out there? How on earth would I even GET there? And then, am I having these hangups because I am realistic and just limited in carlessness and broke-as-fuckness, or am I just giving excuses to cover up the fact that I can’t think outside the box of “this is as good as YOU get here dummy”?
And then it raises all the old suspicions: What if my boyfriend isn’t worth it? What if I’m wasting my life away in my little old-as-fuck apartment in the quaint little sometimes-violent city of Fuckburg? I got out of Barre, and that’s enough for now, right? Right?
I guess I should wrap up my internal dilemma with a point of some kind, so here it is. Ladies and gentleman. Owners of little dwarves also known as children. Please do me a fucking favor. When they tell you they are going to be an astronaut, a physicist, a zoo keeper, a doctor, a lawyer, a writer, a painter, a magician, do not laugh in their faces. Do not reenact the French skit by Robin Williams. You look that crazed little almost-human thing in the eye and tell it “Of course you are. You can do anything you set your mind to. You just have to work at it.”
Believe in them, goddess dammit. Believe in them with your very last fucking breath. If you’re going to make them and create them and force them to exist on this crumbling planet, then you at least owe them that. Believe in the little guy or gal, because I can tell you right now, if you don’t give them some sort of support-figure in their life, they will never truly believe in themselves either.
The State of Affairs 